Bob Staunton Interview 2nd December 2004

Written by Percy Clapham

Category: Guest Blogger

This Interview Was Made in 2004 For The Ultimate Bob Staunton Website

This interview was used with permission from Percy Clapham, who says "Bob won't mind getting in trouble for it again 21 years later". It may contain fossilised views, outdated opinions, and offend again. You have been warned. Percy says "This is still cockleright the Ultimate Bob Staunton Website".

The Interview

PERCY: Bob, what is your favourite recipe?

BOB STAUNTON: A number of years ago I was foolish enough to try a week at one of those Health Farms. Luckily one of the lady staff was a real angel, and operated a secret service for her favourite visitors. From her limited menu I selected 4 corned beef rolls, which were delivered to my door – at exorbitant cost I hasten to add – at 1.30am that evening, and I devoured them along with a small can of warm lager, morsel by morsel, while enjoying the film version of Frederick Forsyth’s classic novel – The Dogs of War. And I was reminded of General Patton’s famous remark – the best sauce for any food is hunger.

PERCY: What is your opinion on people who put too much syrup in flapjack?

BOB STAUNTON: It’s clearly a loaded question, since the question assumes too much has been put on, one can only denounce the person who should never be allowed near a spoon again.

PERCY: Is there a polite way of announcing to house guests that you are going to leave the room for 5 minutes to have a number two? And is there a polite way of telling them not to go back in the latrine for at least a half hour afterward?

BOB STAUNTON: This is a tricky one. I have often paved the way by inadvertently passing wind in advance. Do people manage to get the job done in 5 minutes? I find nobody volunteers to use the powder room for some time if they know a real man’s been in there.

Bob’s Hospital Work Speaks Volumes

PERCY: You only have 24 hours to live, how do you spend those 24 hours?

BOB STAUNTON: Well we’ve crossed this bridge before. First time it turned out to be the bloody quacks couldn’t understand their own results. Last time it was just a case of waiting for a suitable donor. If you’re lying there full of needles with a tube up your jacksy, your only hope is that one of your nurses is a big fan. If one had all one’s faculties, you’d order the entire menu at one of Gordon Ramsey’s places, including the a la carte, followed by…shoving half Peru up your nose, then a Staunton sandwich with…Liz Hurley and…Grace Kelly…NO! Natasha Koplinski.

PERCY: You strongly dislike do-gooders and political correctness. Do you believe everyone should have the right to discriminate?

BOB STAUNTON: It’s human nature to look after number one. I believe there is an order of things. Animals are more important than vegetables. If you accept that you concede the precept of hierarchy. Consequently, are human more important than animals? Yes. Is my family more important than another. Yes. Is my village more important than Howersbury? Yes. Is my country more important than Bangladesh – by the same logic, yes. Therefore if I have to choose between my children or the chickens belonging to Mr Patel of Skull Island, or his favourite coconut tree or whatever, I would choose my children, and if that is discrimination then I’m sorry but that’s what I am, and I was made by God just as surely as any politically correct do-gooder.

PERCY: What are your views on same-sex sexual activity?

BOB STAUNTON: I can only answer this one using my instincts. I'm not into men, though for some reason I find Lesbians understandable. I think most men believe the same thing. One can see their point of view. Having said that I have no idea what Lesbians are for, except I suppose other lesbians, and viewers.

PERCY’S GRAN: We know you had a cameo in one of the Bond movies. Have you appeared in any other movies or on the television?

BOB STAUNTON: My film career stemmed from a chance meeting with the one and only Michael Winner who is a good friend. Playing Vijay Amritraj’s driver in the Bond Film is my only film credit to date.

PERCY: What are your thoughts on Tommy Boyd manoeuvring to have you fired at BBC Southern Counties?

BOB STAUNTON: Well the one and only Tommy Boyd is a very good friend of mine, and I won’t hear a word said against him. His style is not for me, all those bad vibes are simply not necessary. He can’t have my contract terminated, no-one can, changes in employment law mean that my 25 year-old bond with my employers is a veritable ball and chain.

ANONYMOUS QUESTION (PROBABLY PERCY): Many of your fans would like to know when did your wife stop loving you and started to hate you?

BOB STAUNTON: I assume you’re referring to my first wife. The main bone of contention between us lay mainly in her history of mental health problems.

ANONYMOUS QUESTION (MOST DEFINITELY PERCY): Sandeep sounds like a right goer, any chance of developments on that front?

BOB STAUNTON: I don’t profess to be an expert on any of the aforementioned realms of romance. I have never met the lovely Sandip. Asian Babes have come on a long way since the one and only Lord Mountbatten’s day, so I would be a fool to rule anything out.

ANONYMOUS QUESTION (PERCY DENIES IT'S HIS): And finally I do not believe in censorship either, so why do you play so many fucking songs?

BOB STAUNTON: Language!!! This is a family internet page!! I’m a music presenter! It’s in my blood…it’s like a virus. I’ve been spinning the platters for nearly half a decade. However I’m versatile enough to my humble talents to phone-in and all the new technology. Why, I now have more user names than alias’! And more passwords than passports!

Huge thanks to Bob Staunton, and to Percy Clapham for this interview.

Created on September 13, 2025